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New Theory Says the Mona Lisa Had Syphilis.

February 13, 2017

Guardian - I have a new theory. Perhaps the Mona Lisa had syphilis. Lisa Gherardini was the wife of a Florentine merchant called Francesco del Giocondo. She was the wife of a merchant who lived in Florence … the lives of women in Renaissance Italy are lost in the shadows. Yet, as it happens, a handful of documents have survived that give glimpses of Del Giocondo’s life. For instance, she is recorded in the ledger of a Florentine convent as buying snail water from its apothecary. Snail water? The main use of snail water in pre-modern medicine was, I have recently discovered, to combat sexually transmitted diseases, including syphilis.

 

I hate this story. Poor Mona Lisa. Here we have a girl who is a hard 4/10 who agreed to casually pose for a picture hundreds of years ago, thinking nothing of it. At the time this painting was probably super artsy and cutting edge, but now she’s just known as the ugly bitch with no eyebrows who gives Tom Hanks clues in the Da Vinci Code. 

 

As if being known as the ugliest girl in the history of art wasn’t bad enough, thanks to this dude’s new theory, now she’s the ugliest girl in the history of art with syphilis. The dude who proposed this theory should be arrested. He violates every unwritten rule. If someone isn’t there to defend themselves, you shouldn’t be able to talk shit. This rule holds true for everyone. Last year some historian came out saying Adolf Hitler had a “tiny deformed penis”. I realize it’s a tough sell to defend Hitler, but he’s already the most hated and evil man known to the world, you don’t need to kick a man while he’s down and throw out the rumor he has a micropenis. 

 

This art guys only reason behind her MAYBE having syphilis is the fact that she bought snail water from a guy, once. With that logic, since I once bought Plan B and tampons … I’ve had a potential baby in me and a heavy flow, once. (Sidenote: not sure why buying tampons is such a big deal. It’s not like people assume you are buying them to shove them up your ass and get off on it. You’re buying them for brownie points from your girl in hopes you can get AT LEAST a tuggy later that night) 

 

This art expert needs to get out of here with his weak STD theories; running poor Mona Lisa’s name through the mud when she isn’t here to defend herself. She’s the ugly friend with a great personality, she doesn’t deserve this. Leave Lisa alone! 

 

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© 2017 by Jeff Vibbert.