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Top 3 Creepiest Dad Kisses of All Time

February 14, 2017


After the New England Patriots won Super Bowl LI, I have never been more conflicted in my life. My hero, Thomas Edward Brady, (and for the record, yes, this is an article calling people out for being creepy and as a 26-year-old man, I just called another man my "hero") walked up to his dad and smooched him right on the lips. This had to be an accident, I thought. There's no way the G.O.A.T. would pull a serial killer move and purposely kiss his dad on the lips. Sure enough, just like Tom Brady throws those tight, perfect spirals to his receivers, Brady threw some tight, perfect lip game to his pops.


So the question is: Is kissing your dad on the lips the creepiest thing you can do? That’s 100% a hard yes. It's the creepiest thing you can do because it just promotes creepy behavior later in life. Unless you want your kid to grow up making coats out of people’s skin and tucking their weiner between their legs, the age limit for kissing your dad should be around 5 years old. Once you hit the age of 6, you’re a man now; you should be out there kissing girls on the playground and hiding your weird kid-boners up in your waist band--a move known as the "Texas Tuck" because everything is bigger in Texas. Kissing your dad on the lips is creepy and here are the creepiest dad kisses of all time. 


#3 Bill Belichick: Coach of the New England Patriots

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are the greatest coach/quarterback duo of all time and also the creepiest coach/quarterback duo of all time. After the Super Bowl victory against the Seattle Seahawks in 2015, Bill went up to his adult daughter and kissed her right on the lips. This kiss is gross and creepy but by no means the creepiest, due to the fact that it’s right after winning a championship. There's no telling what I’d do after winning the Super Bowl but it would probably involve my nuts and Phil Simms rodent-like face. 




#2 Tom Crean: Indiana University Basketball Coach (for now) 

Good ol’ Tommy Crean is one of the worst offenders of the creepy dad kiss. Crean’s Dwight Schrute-esque look is creepy on it’s own but throw in kissing your son on the lips and that lands you at #2 on the list. Crean got so much heat from the internet after this kiss, he had to quit lip locking with his kid after games. A lot of coaches find their wives to smooch after a big game but not Tommy, Ol' Tommy Crean rushes over to mouth kiss his teenage son. Child Protective Services should have immediately taken his kid away. High school is hard enough when your peers find out you have a crush on the cute girl in your study hall, so I can’t imagine how hard school would be when everyone thinks you have a crush on your dad. My advice to Crean’s son is bulk up. Worst case, the pounds you’ve put on will prevent you from being stuffed in a locker. Don’t worry, young Crean, “it gets better.”


#1 Lil Wayne & Birdman: Rappers

Here we have it: the creepiest dad kiss of all time. This kiss is #1 on the list due to the fact that Lil Wayne calls the Cash Money Records co-founder, Birdman, his “daddy,” even though they are not blood-related. The people from the Cash Money camp even try to act like this is 100% normal. MTV has a quote from the Cash Money squad after the kiss: “...but back then we was young, it was all love. We had love for each other.” I’m all for a good bromance with your boys, but saying it was young love, I at least hope Birdman bought Weezy F. Baby dinner before they kissed. 




EXCEPTION TO THE RULE:  When the ladies kiss me and call me daddy. 

                                 ( 2007 Undefeated State Champs, Never Forget )



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© 2017 by Jeff Vibbert.